How to say no without feeling guilty 6 secrets from experts

How to say no without feeling guilty 6 secrets from expertsHow to say no without feeling guilty 6 secrets from expertsTheyre asking you for something. And you feel like if you say no, theyre going to hate you. So youre tempted to say yes, even though you dont want to. Ever been there? We all have.But if you say yes, youre going to be frustrated with yourself. And youll likely feel resentfuland angry with them even though you could have just said no.And research shows this elend only creates a cycle of awful feelings, it actually does real damage to your relationships. Yes, being too nice can cause legitproblems.FromThe Disease to Please Curing the People-Pleasing SyndromeConflict avoidance is elend an ingredient of successful relationships. Rather, it is a serious symptom of dysfunctional ones. Its better to recognize that negative emotions between people are inevitable, and you must learn to deal with them effectivelyIf you canbedrngnis express negative feelings, your relationships will simply lose their authenticity.So how do yousay no without feeling guilty? Experts and research have answers. Lets get to it1) Notice the NosTimes when you said no and someone got angry stick in your memory like billboards made of neon. But the truth is people say no to requests all the time and suffer no ill consequences. The sea doesnt turn to blood and frogs dont umstand from the sky. The requesterjust shrugs and says, Okay.But you forget those all too easily and train your attention on the 0.02% of the time when the other rolle blew up and stormed away, never to speak to you again.So watch your interactions and the interactions of others mora closely. Notice all the times no doesnt cause any problems and try to developa mora realistic perspective.FromHow to Say No Without Feeling GuiltyGain a little perspective by becoming aware of how often people around you say no to each other from day to day. When you really pay attention, youll find that it happens all the time, and in most cases its no big deal. Keep that in mind when its your turn to say no in similar situations, and when someones saying it to you.And watch how others handle unterstellung situations effectively. When youre polite and empathetic, its bedrngnis all that likely that someone is going to get furious withyou.You want to develop good boundaries. Have an idea of what youre comfortable with and what youre leid ahead of time so that decisions are easier and youre not as tempted to cave.FromHow to Say No Without Feeling GuiltySaying no comfortably and without guilt requires you to really think about what you stand for. Why are you saying no? As you learn to eliminate unwanted obligations from your life, what are you making room for? When you can identify and embrace your priorities and focus on what you want mora of- for example, time with the family, money for an important project or cause- you feel more justified saying no in order to pursue those goals.(To learn the morning ritual that will keep you happy all day, clickhere.)But this all takes time. And maybe someone is asking you for something unreasonable rightnow. So what should your default response be so that you dont give them a knee-jerk yes youll regret later?2) Buy TimeYou mustrespond to requests immediately is not one of the immutable laws of thermodynamics. (Frankly, I dont know whatthe immutable laws of thermodynamics are, but Im pretty darn sure that aint one of them.)So when you feel pressured for a yes, dont give the yes - relieve the pressure. Ask for time. This will allow you to calm down and properly evaluate whether you really want to agree or not.FromThe Disease to Please Curing the People-Pleasing SyndromeIn order to break your habit of giving an automatic yes response to requests from others, you need to delay your answer in order to think through your options carefully. The old adage to think before you speak- or, in this case, agree- is wise psychological advice. Once you learn to insert time between an invitation, demand, or request and your reply, your sense of control will immediately increase.Best way to do this? Memorize two of these phrases and make them your default response to any requestI need to check my calendar Ill get back to you.Let me check with my husband/wife/partner to see if were free that day.Ive got to think about that Ill let you know.Ill have to call you back in a few minutes.Dontturn them into questions. Theyre statements. And use a pleasant but assertive tone.(To learn the 4 scientific secretsthat will make you lucky, clickhere.)But what if buying time doesnt cool you down enough to be comfortable giving them a big ol nope?3) Have A PolicyNo, this has nothing to do with insurance. Were back to the issue of boundaries. When you live by clear principles its easier to make decisions and people are more likely to respect your responses.Also, theres less chance of someone feeling personally rejected if its clear this is a rule you live by consist ently.FromHow to Say No Without Feeling Guiltysuppose a friend asks for a loan you dont want to extend. Utter the phrase Sorry, I have a policy about not lending money, and your refusal immediately sounds less personal. In all kinds of situations, invoking a policy adds weight and seriousness when you need to say no. It implies that youve given the matter considerable thought on a previous occasion and learned from experience that what the person is requesting is unwise. It can also convey that youve got a prior commitment you cant break. When you turn down an invitation by saying, Sorry, I cant come- its our policy to have dinner together as a family every Friday night, it lets the other person know that your family ritual is carved in stone.(To learn how to increase your self-esteem, clickhere.)But every rule has exceptions. And persistent people will seek to find them by nagging you with why their request is special, unique and covered in glitter.So how do you deal with people wh o dont take no for an answer?4) Be A Broken RecordFirst thing to do is say you cant help them. The second through seven-hundredth thing to do is repeat the first thingThemCan you help me bury this body?YouSorry, I cant.ThemWhat ifwe bury it tomorrow? You available then?YouSorry, I cant.ThemIll let you use thefancyshovelYouSorry, I cant.This exercise teaches you persistence and doesnt allow people to bargainbecause you just keep repeating your denial, not responding to their new angles or reasoning.Dont get angry or raise your voice. Just calmly repeat yourself until the other person is utterlyexhausted.FromThe Disease to Please Curing the People-Pleasing SyndromeBe careful not to respond directly or to engage in the content of the requesters resistance attempts If you stay on your simple message, the requester will not succeed in pressuring you to respond It is important that you do not engage in any negotiation. This is new territory for you. Dont allow yourself to be drawn into a bargaining posture where theres a chance that your old people-pleasing habits will take over and youll find yourself saying yes when you want to say something else.(To learn the four rituals neuroscience says will make you happy, clickhere.)The broken record technique is quite powerful with salespeople, but a bit cold for closerrelationships. So how do you say no in a way thatdoesnt seem uncaring or selfish?5) Use A Relational AccountWharton professorAdam Grantpulls this method from the researchit involves referencing your commitment to other people when declining the focal person. Studies by Hannah Riley Bowles and Linda Babcock reveal that when we offer relational accounts for going against the norm, were viewed more favorably, as we preserve our image as giving and caring.So how do you do this?Your response should take the structureof If I helped you, Id be letting others down. When Adam gets mentoring requests that he needs to say no to, he repliesStudents are my top priority pr ofessionally, and since I teach more than 300 students per year, I dont have the bandwidth to take on additional mentoring.(To learn how to deal with a narcissist, clickhere.)But what if you dont want to give a flat no? You want to help but cant commit to the specifics of what theyre asking for. Heres what to do6) Make ACounterofferIts a worthwhile charity supportinga good cause you believe inAnd they want you to donate $487,000. Um, no way. But I can give you $10FromThe Disease to Please Curing the People-Pleasing Syndromeif a friend asks you to spend four hours volunteering at an event, you might respond by saying that you cant do four hours but you can spend one or two. Be careful not to fall into the trap of using this option too often or too much. You should reserve the counteroffer for situations where you really do not wish to give a definitive no. Your reason for not saying a flat no should be because complying with the request is really something you want to do- or, at leas t, wouldnt mind doing, but you need to modify the demand to meet your conditions and best interests.And you can make a counteroffer to almost any request by offering someone a different resource or the name of someone else who might help.Again, Wharton professorAdam Grantprovides some useful examplesIm not qualified to do what youre asking, but heres something else.This isnt in my wheelhouse, but I know someone who might be helpful.(To learn how to be more assertive, clickhere.)Alright, were learned a lot. Lets round it all up and discoverthe best not-scary way to start practicingthese skills so youll be able to use them with anyoneSum UpHeres how to say no without feeling guiltyNotice the nos Saying no rarely leads to vendettas orblood feuds. Its more common and less riskythan you think.Buy time Im not sure I can summarize this one right now. Ill get back to you later.Have a policy Sorry, but its my policy to never summarize the third point.Be a broken record I cant summarize this. I cant summarize this.I cant summarize this.Use a relational account If I summarized this for you I wouldnt have time to summarize for others.Make a counteroffer I cantsummarize this but I can link you to another blog that will.So using these techniques with loved ones, close friends or your boss might be really scary because the stakes feel so high. So dont do it. At least at firstBut next time someone bugs you on the street to fill out a survey, or a pushy salesperson goes to work on you, dont just walk away. This is a low-stakes time for some no no no practice.FromWhen I Say No, I Feel GuiltyIn training learners to deal with commercial situations, many of them say that they just shut the door in the salesmans face because they dont want to even bother with him and his nonsense. I advise these students that assertively coping with situations like these that are not important is a safe, low-risk, real-life method of practicing to be systematically assertive in preparation for the m ore meaningful conflicts they have with other people.Need any more tips? No?Wow, youre getting better at this already.Join over 315,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via schmelzglashere.Related postsNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulHow To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertThis article first appeared at Barking Up the Worng Tree.How to say no without feeling guilty 6 secrets from expertsTheyre asking you for something. And you feel like if you say no, theyre going to hate you. So youre tempted to say yes, even though you dont want to. Ever been there? We all have.But if you say yes, youre going to be frustrated with yourself. And youll likely feel resentfuland angry with them even though you could have just said no.And research shows this not only creates a cycle of awful feelings, it actually does real damage to your relationships. Yes, being too nice can cause legitproble ms.FromThe Disease to Please Curing the People-Pleasing SyndromeConflict avoidance is not an ingredient of successful relationships. Rather, it is a serious symptom of dysfunctional ones. Its better to recognize that negative emotions between people are inevitable, and you must learn to deal with them effectivelyIf you cannot express negative feelings, your relationships will simply lose their authenticity.So how do yousay no without feeling guilty? Experts and research have answers. Lets get to it1) Notice the NosTimes when you said no and someone got angry stick in your memory like billboards made of neon. But the truth is people say no to requests all the time and suffer no ill consequences. The sea doesnt turn to blood and frogs dont fall from the sky. The requesterjust shrugs and says, Okay.But you forget those all too easily and train your attention on the 0.02% of the time when the other person blew up and stormed away, never to speak to you again.So watch your interactions a nd the interactions of others more closely. Notice all the times no doesnt cause any problems and try to developa more realistic perspective.FromHow to Say No Without Feeling GuiltyGain a little perspective by becoming aware of how often people around you say no to each other from day to day. When you really pay attention, youll find that it happens all the time, and in most cases its no big deal. Keep that in mind when its your turn to say no in similar situations, and when someones saying it to you.And watch how others handle these situations effectively. When youre polite and empathetic, its not all that likely that someone is going to get furious withyou.You want to develop good boundaries. Have an idea of what youre comfortable with and what youre not ahead of time so that decisions are easier and youre not as tempted to cave.FromHow to Say No Without Feeling GuiltySaying no comfortably and without guilt requires you to really think about what you stand for. Why are you saying no? As you learn to eliminate unwanted obligations from your life, what are you making room for? When you can identify and embrace your priorities and focus on what you want more of- for example, time with the family, money for an important project or cause- you feel more justified saying no in order to pursue those goals.(To learn the morning ritual that will keep you happy all day, clickhere.)But this all takes time. And maybe someone is asking you for something unreasonable rightnow. So what should your default response be so that you dont give them a knee-jerk yes youll regret later?2) Buy TimeYou mustrespond to requests immediately is not one of the immutable laws of thermodynamics. (Frankly, I dont know whatthe immutable laws of thermodynamics are, but Im pretty darn sure that aint one of them.)So when you feel pressured for a yes, dont give the yes - relieve the pressure. Ask for time. This will allow you to calm down and properly evaluate whether you really want to agree or not.FromThe Disease to Please Curing the People-Pleasing SyndromeIn order to break your habit of giving an automatic yes response to requests from others, you need to delay your answer in order to think through your options carefully. The old adage to think before you speak- or, in this case, agree- is wise psychological advice. Once you learn to insert time between an invitation, demand, or request and your reply, your sense of control will immediately increase.Best way to do this? Memorize two of these phrases and make them your default response to any requestI need to check my calendar Ill get back to you.Let me check with my husband/wife/partner to see if were free that day.Ive got to think about that Ill let you know.Ill have to call you back in a few minutes.Dontturn them into questions. Theyre statements. And use a pleasant but assertive tone.(To learn the 4 scientific secretsthat will make you lucky, clickhere.)But what if buying time doesnt cool you down enough to be comfo rtable giving them a big ol nope?3) Have A PolicyNo, this has nothing to do with insurance. Were back to the issue of boundaries. When you live by clear principles its easier to make decisions and people are more likely to respect your responses.Also, theres less chance of someone feeling personally rejected if its clear this is a rule you live by consistently.FromHow to Say No Without Feeling Guiltysuppose a friend asks for a loan you dont want to extend. Utter the phrase Sorry, I have a policy about not lending money, and your refusal immediately sounds less personal. In all kinds of situations, invoking a policy adds weight and seriousness when you need to say no. It implies that youve given the matter considerable thought on a previous occasion and learned from experience that what the person is requesting is unwise. It can also convey that youve got a prior commitment you cant break. When you turn down an invitation by saying, Sorry, I cant come- its our policy to have dinner t ogether as a family every Friday night, it lets the other person know that your family ritual is carved in stone.(To learn how to increase your self-esteem, clickhere.)But every rule has exceptions. And persistent people will seek to find them by nagging you with why their request is special, unique and covered in glitter.So how do you deal with people who dont take no for an answer?4) Be A Broken RecordFirst thing to do is say you cant help them. The second through seven-hundredth thing to do is repeat the first thingThemCan you help me bury this body?YouSorry, I cant.ThemWhat ifwe bury it tomorrow? You available then?YouSorry, I cant.ThemIll let you use thefancyshovelYouSorry, I cant.This exercise teaches you persistence and doesnt allow people to bargainbecause you just keep repeating your denial, not responding to their new angles or reasoning.Dont get angry or raise your voice. Just calmly repeat yourself until the other person is utterlyexhausted.FromThe Disease to Please Curi ng the People-Pleasing SyndromeBe careful not to respond directly or to engage in the content of the requesters resistance attempts If you stay on your simple message, the requester will not succeed in pressuring you to respond It is important that you do not engage in any negotiation. This is new territory for you. Dont allow yourself to be drawn into a bargaining posture where theres a chance that your old people-pleasing habits will take over and youll find yourself saying yes when you want to say something else.(To learn the four rituals neuroscience says will make you happy, clickhere.)The broken record technique is quite powerful with salespeople, but a bit cold for closerrelationships. So how do you say no in a way thatdoesnt seem uncaring or selfish?5) Use A Relational AccountWharton professorAdam Grantpulls this method from the researchit involves referencing your commitment to other people when declining the focal person. Studies by Hannah Riley Bowles and Linda Babcock re veal that when we offer relational accounts for going against the norm, were viewed more favorably, as we preserve our image as giving and caring.So how do you do this?Your response should take the structureof If I helped you, Id be letting others down. When Adam gets mentoring requests that he needs to say no to, he repliesStudents are my top priority professionally, and since I teach more than 300 students per year, I dont have the bandwidth to take on additional mentoring.(To learn how to deal with a narcissist, clickhere.)But what if you dont want to give a flat no? You want to help but cant commit to the specifics of what theyre asking for. Heres what to do6) Make ACounterofferIts a worthwhile charity supportinga good cause you believe inAnd they want you to donate $487,000. Um, no way. But I can give you $10FromThe Disease to Please Curing the People-Pleasing Syndromeif a friend asks you to spend four hours volunteering at an event, you might respond by saying that you cant do four hours but you can spend one or two. Be careful not to fall into the trap of using this option too often or too much. You should reserve the counteroffer for situations where you really do not wish to give a definitive no. Your reason for not saying a flat no should be because complying with the request is really something you want to do- or, at least, wouldnt mind doing, but you need to modify the demand to meet your conditions and best interests.And you can make a counteroffer to almost any request by offering someone a different resource or the name of someone else who might help.Again, Wharton professorAdam Grantprovides some useful examplesIm not qualified to do what youre asking, but heres something else.This isnt in my wheelhouse, but I know someone who might be helpful.(To learn how to be more assertive, clickhere.)Alright, were learned a lot. Lets round it all up and discoverthe best not-scary way to start practicingthese skills so youll be able to use them with anyone Sum UpHeres how to say no without feeling guiltyNotice the nos Saying no rarely leads to vendettas orblood feuds. Its more common and less riskythan you think.Buy time Im not sure I can summarize this one right now. Ill get back to you later.Have a policy Sorry, but its my policy to never summarize the third point.Be a broken record I cant summarize this.I cant summarize this.I cant summarize this.Use a relational account If I summarized this for you I wouldnt have time to summarize for others.Make a counteroffer I cantsummarize this but I can link you to another blog that will.So using these techniques with loved ones, close friends or your boss might be really scary because the stakes feel so high. So dont do it. At least at firstBut next time someone bugs you on the street to fill out a survey, or a pushy salesperson goes to work on you, dont just walk away. This is a low-stakes time for some no no no practice.FromWhen I Say No, I Feel GuiltyIn training learners to deal with comm ercial situations, many of them say that they just shut the door in the salesmans face because they dont want to even bother with him and his nonsense. I advise these students that assertively coping with situations like these that are not important is a safe, low-risk, real-life method of practicing to be systematically assertive in preparation for the more meaningful conflicts they have with other people.Need any more tips? No?Wow, youre getting better at this already.Join over 315,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Related postsNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulHow To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertThis article first appeared at Barking Up the Worng Tree.